Hello 21 weeks

I’m so grateful and so relieved to have had a happy and normal 20 week scan yesterday. I cried with relief and I take none of it for granted.

I’m still scared. I’m still wary to talk to my nearly 3 year old about her baby sister coming.. Growing in this big belly of mine. 

I know how fragile this all is. But with every kick I thank God that we are where we are right now..

Roll on 1st June!! 

Advertisements

16 weeks today

I didn’t realise I was holding my breath until the sonographer said ‘there’s your baby’s heartbeat’ and I let out a sob, fighting back tears. My husband was slightly confused (we have seen a heartbeat at 8 and 12 weeks, this is good news!) but even now at this supposedly safe stage I am subconsciously convinced something bad is going to happen and baby is going to disappear.. 

So it was an overwhelming flood of relief and surprise. 

I am not taking any of this gift for granted, it is too precious and too delicate. I am all too aware of how I was feeling this time last year, grieving and in a pit of dispair after losing Ruby. 

So although we are celebrating another milestone tonight, I am thinking of everyone else who is in that pit of dispair right now. I hope this time next year is a different story for you xxxx

Monday

So Monday is our 12 week scan. The scan that has turned our world upside down twice, and we didn’t even get to the third time. 

I really really want to trust God. I want to trust that it’s going to be ok, that His hand of protection is on this one. 

And yet as I think about going into the room and having the gel placed over my womb I just feel anxious I feel like I’m preparing myself for that wave of pain and loss and grief that we know so well. And I feel guilty for thinking the worst, that that clearly isn’t trusting God, and yet it seems inevitable when it has gone wrong more times than it has gone right.

(don’t get me wrong, the time it went right was the time I had my beautiful little girl, and at 2 1/2 yrs old I still have her to hold and heal my heart) 

Just please can it be ok this time? 
Note: It was ok 🤗 we have a wriggly 12 week baby seen on ultrasound. Now just to hold our breath for another 28 weeks… X

5th time’s a charm?

So we got

A

Positive 

pregnancy test. 

I think I am 6 weeks. My boobs hurt and I have nausea all day long. 
The trouble is, this is the 5th time I have been here, at this point, excited but nervous. Daring to dream, daring to think about a due date. It worked out for me the 2nd time. will it work out the 5th…???

lamentations

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
GOD ’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with GOD (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left.
GOD proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from GOD. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times.
When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst.
Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way:
Stomping down hard on luckless prisoners, Refusing justice to victims in the court of High God, Tampering with evidence— the Master does not approve of such things.”

‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:19-36‬ ‭MSG‬‬

http://bible.com/97/lam.3.19-36.msg

Here we are..again (x3)

so six months later and I am having my third miscarriage. I have lost another baby.

Saying ‘lost’ makes me think of being chastised as a child for not looking after something well enough. 

If I’d have looked after you better, would I not have lost you? Was it that run I did in the heat? Was it the cups of tea that over did the caffeine? Was it the goats cheese panini? Was it the sex we had before we knew we were pregnant?

It was early this time. Somewhere around 4-6 weeks. So at least I won’t have to have the surgery again. But my heart is sore and I don’t know where we’re going from here..